A day in the life of new Sec. of State Zell Miller

Uhh...Secretary Miller, sir. Sir, I don't know how to tell you this, but...you see, our military resources are seriously overstreched because of the wars we are fighting in Iraq, Syria, Iran and Luxemburg. And...well, North Korea is poised to invade, but we don't have the equipment to deal with the problem. So we at the Dept of Defense have gone to the drawing boards and come up with something crazy enough that it just might work...SPITBALLS!!!!.

Bible Thumpers Really Suck

There was a crowd of bible thumbers that showed up in front of school today. They were the really, really, really mean ones that had signs that said stuff like "AIDS cures gays" and "Fags will burn in Hell", or my favorite, just plain old "God Hates". The also had signs of aborted fetus that were pretty gross.
As I approached the Law School one of them said "Good morning" and I told him to go fuck himself. Another said something that I couldn't make out, but it didn't matter because I immediately told him to shut up.
A larger contingent of God's soldiers was standing right in front of the steps to the school and a good 40 to 75 students were standing out on the steps of the building watching these guys spew the most vile hatred. Before I reached the steps I walked past a girl, not one of them, but most likely a student, that was in tears. I'm not sure it was because of these guys, but it seems like a safe assumption.
As I joined my fellow students on the steps I noticed that their range of emotions varied from shocked disbelief to mocking contempt. Some tried to reason with them but soon learned that any such attempt was absolutely futile. The dominate reaction soon turned into to absolute, unabashed mockery.
I've lived in one of the larger cities in the country for most of my life, and I'm entirely new to the Midwest. But I now live in a college town, and I'm pretty sure that it is in no way representative of the midwest. These guys, on the other hand, were everything I was afraid the midwest might be. They're look was, if I had to give it a name, "red neck folksy". The really had it all. Mesh trucker hats with confederate flags on them, overalls, less than a full set of teeth; you know, "red neck folksy". I say this just to point out that we really didn't have to try very hard to poke fun at these guys. I, for one, can do a very good southern drawl type accent, and so, in character of course, I challeged them to a duel. "Pistols at dawn", I yelled. "Don't be late, now", I continued, "cause I planned to spend the rest of my day fuckin' my cousin". Even the Dean of the law school got in on the action. She sent down a note which read, "Remind them that gay sex rarely leads to abortions".
But one guy took the cake. After watching these guys read verses out of the the bible that presumably prove that God hates fags, jews, niggers, people that eat tuna salad sandwiches on Wednesdays...shit, just about everyone, this one guy came up with a truly brilliant idea. He walked to the bottom of the steps so that he was positioned between the students and the jesus freaks. He then held up a book he was carrying, the Uniform Commercial Code, and said in a real Billy Grahm sort of way, "Brothers and sisters, this is the only, the only book that you need to know". He then opened it and began to read aloud, "section 2-605: Waiver of Buyer's Objections by Failure to Particularize...The buyer's failure to state in connection...", this continued for a moment or two. He then closed the book and again held it up. "People", he said, "you need to live by this book, becuse if you don't then you can be held liable!".
Very, very funny stuff.

You might be reading this and saying to yourself, "we're not all like that". But you really are in the only way that matters. What you believe is not far removed what the bile these assholes were spewing today. The only difference between them and you lies in tactics. Don't believe me. Then take a this litmus test:

(These can all be answered with a yes/no response)

1. the only way to get into heaven is to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior.
2. homosexuals will go to hell if they don't repent
3. abortion should be illegal
4. there should not be a seperation between Church and State
5. god will come down and take all the born again's to heaven and seperate (that is, kill) all the non-believers.

There are more, but you get the idea.

You people may be a lot of things, but moral or righteous is not one of them.

These are Dangerous Times.

Here's an article from the Guardian that I found pretty disturbing. It seems that Chirac is intent on building up the EU's military capabilities to form a counter-balance to U.S. hegemony. I can't believe that we have gone from a point where the entire world stood by our side because of 9/11 to a point where the French, Germans and Spanish think it is very much a reality that a military standoff between us and them is needed.
This President has not only failed to protect us from terrorism, but he now seems to be in a position to put us in a situation very much like what was going on at the height of the Cold War. What is so striking about this is that the threat of an advisarial Europe is exponentially more dangerous than the threat of terrrorism ever could be. Let's not forget that Franch is the 4th largest nuclear power and these aren't third world countries that we are talking about with circa 1970-something Soviet equipment. Further, the EU was more properly designed to wield economic power. In a word, the EU placing sanctions on the U.S. would suck.
Thanks George. And thanks to all of you brain-dead, bible thumping, schmucks that made another term a reality. I'm not quite sure what your reasoning was--maybe you're tired of waiting for armageddon, or perhaps you just figured that since he's fucked up everything he's ever touched throughout his entire life the guy's just got to be due--but whatever it was, thanks. Fucknuts.

I think I've Finally Discovered the Reasoning Behing Voting for Bush!

I was reading news sites today and speculating that perhaps Hawaii may swing decidedly in Kerry's direction tons of people will be following the news pretty closely, given that the election is today. Anyway, barried in the news cycle is a report the a Philipino was taken hostage in Iraq. My thinking is that this news may cause many fence sitters (or even some Bush leaners) in the large Philipino community there to reject Bush for his mis-management of Iraq. That is, this news may hit a bit closer to home than other reports.
Of course, when I mentioned this to someone the immediate response was that it may have the opposite effect and cause them to rally behing Bush. I've heard this before and have never been able to understand it. It seems that the exact opposite holds in just about every other area of life. For example, if I take my car into a mechanic on, say, three occasions, and every time he not only fails to fix the problem, not only would it seem odd that I would take my car to him a fourth time, but I certainly wouldn't begin to sing his praises after the fact. This isn't true with Bush, however.
The thinking behing this has always evaded me, but I think I may finally have nailed it. What these voters are doing is sort of playing the odds. That is to say, what they're saying to themselves is that the guys just got to be due! I mean after fucking up so much so often, he's just bound to get it right one of these days.
I don't think that this is by any means a good reason, but at least it's a reason.