Bible Thumpers Really Suck
There was a crowd of bible thumbers that showed up in front of school today. They were the really, really, really mean ones that had signs that said stuff like "AIDS cures gays" and "Fags will burn in Hell", or my favorite, just plain old "God Hates". The also had signs of aborted fetus that were pretty gross.
As I approached the Law School one of them said "Good morning" and I told him to go fuck himself. Another said something that I couldn't make out, but it didn't matter because I immediately told him to shut up.
A larger contingent of God's soldiers was standing right in front of the steps to the school and a good 40 to 75 students were standing out on the steps of the building watching these guys spew the most vile hatred. Before I reached the steps I walked past a girl, not one of them, but most likely a student, that was in tears. I'm not sure it was because of these guys, but it seems like a safe assumption.
As I joined my fellow students on the steps I noticed that their range of emotions varied from shocked disbelief to mocking contempt. Some tried to reason with them but soon learned that any such attempt was absolutely futile. The dominate reaction soon turned into to absolute, unabashed mockery.
I've lived in one of the larger cities in the country for most of my life, and I'm entirely new to the Midwest. But I now live in a college town, and I'm pretty sure that it is in no way representative of the midwest. These guys, on the other hand, were everything I was afraid the midwest might be. They're look was, if I had to give it a name, "red neck folksy". The really had it all. Mesh trucker hats with confederate flags on them, overalls, less than a full set of teeth; you know, "red neck folksy". I say this just to point out that we really didn't have to try very hard to poke fun at these guys. I, for one, can do a very good southern drawl type accent, and so, in character of course, I challeged them to a duel. "Pistols at dawn", I yelled. "Don't be late, now", I continued, "cause I planned to spend the rest of my day fuckin' my cousin". Even the Dean of the law school got in on the action. She sent down a note which read, "Remind them that gay sex rarely leads to abortions".
But one guy took the cake. After watching these guys read verses out of the the bible that presumably prove that God hates fags, jews, niggers, people that eat tuna salad sandwiches on Wednesdays...shit, just about everyone, this one guy came up with a truly brilliant idea. He walked to the bottom of the steps so that he was positioned between the students and the jesus freaks. He then held up a book he was carrying, the Uniform Commercial Code, and said in a real Billy Grahm sort of way, "Brothers and sisters, this is the only, the only book that you need to know". He then opened it and began to read aloud, "section 2-605: Waiver of Buyer's Objections by Failure to Particularize...The buyer's failure to state in connection...", this continued for a moment or two. He then closed the book and again held it up. "People", he said, "you need to live by this book, becuse if you don't then you can be held liable!".
Very, very funny stuff.
You might be reading this and saying to yourself, "we're not all like that". But you really are in the only way that matters. What you believe is not far removed what the bile these assholes were spewing today. The only difference between them and you lies in tactics. Don't believe me. Then take a this litmus test:
(These can all be answered with a yes/no response)
1. the only way to get into heaven is to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior.
2. homosexuals will go to hell if they don't repent
3. abortion should be illegal
4. there should not be a seperation between Church and State
5. god will come down and take all the born again's to heaven and seperate (that is, kill) all the non-believers.
There are more, but you get the idea.
You people may be a lot of things, but moral or righteous is not one of them.
As I approached the Law School one of them said "Good morning" and I told him to go fuck himself. Another said something that I couldn't make out, but it didn't matter because I immediately told him to shut up.
A larger contingent of God's soldiers was standing right in front of the steps to the school and a good 40 to 75 students were standing out on the steps of the building watching these guys spew the most vile hatred. Before I reached the steps I walked past a girl, not one of them, but most likely a student, that was in tears. I'm not sure it was because of these guys, but it seems like a safe assumption.
As I joined my fellow students on the steps I noticed that their range of emotions varied from shocked disbelief to mocking contempt. Some tried to reason with them but soon learned that any such attempt was absolutely futile. The dominate reaction soon turned into to absolute, unabashed mockery.
I've lived in one of the larger cities in the country for most of my life, and I'm entirely new to the Midwest. But I now live in a college town, and I'm pretty sure that it is in no way representative of the midwest. These guys, on the other hand, were everything I was afraid the midwest might be. They're look was, if I had to give it a name, "red neck folksy". The really had it all. Mesh trucker hats with confederate flags on them, overalls, less than a full set of teeth; you know, "red neck folksy". I say this just to point out that we really didn't have to try very hard to poke fun at these guys. I, for one, can do a very good southern drawl type accent, and so, in character of course, I challeged them to a duel. "Pistols at dawn", I yelled. "Don't be late, now", I continued, "cause I planned to spend the rest of my day fuckin' my cousin". Even the Dean of the law school got in on the action. She sent down a note which read, "Remind them that gay sex rarely leads to abortions".
But one guy took the cake. After watching these guys read verses out of the the bible that presumably prove that God hates fags, jews, niggers, people that eat tuna salad sandwiches on Wednesdays...shit, just about everyone, this one guy came up with a truly brilliant idea. He walked to the bottom of the steps so that he was positioned between the students and the jesus freaks. He then held up a book he was carrying, the Uniform Commercial Code, and said in a real Billy Grahm sort of way, "Brothers and sisters, this is the only, the only book that you need to know". He then opened it and began to read aloud, "section 2-605: Waiver of Buyer's Objections by Failure to Particularize...The buyer's failure to state in connection...", this continued for a moment or two. He then closed the book and again held it up. "People", he said, "you need to live by this book, becuse if you don't then you can be held liable!".
Very, very funny stuff.
You might be reading this and saying to yourself, "we're not all like that". But you really are in the only way that matters. What you believe is not far removed what the bile these assholes were spewing today. The only difference between them and you lies in tactics. Don't believe me. Then take a this litmus test:
(These can all be answered with a yes/no response)
1. the only way to get into heaven is to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior.
2. homosexuals will go to hell if they don't repent
3. abortion should be illegal
4. there should not be a seperation between Church and State
5. god will come down and take all the born again's to heaven and seperate (that is, kill) all the non-believers.
There are more, but you get the idea.
You people may be a lot of things, but moral or righteous is not one of them.
posted by Barwise at 5:36 PM
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